Its Like I'm Still In The Hospital

Just have to remind myself :/

Its day 20 after my Stem Cell Transplant. I still feel like blah. Now I understand what they meant when they told me I wouldn't feel like myself for a few months. I hope this feeling is short lived. I can't do anything. Bending down or turning around nauseates me more or gets me dizzy. I'm almost always nauseated to some extent, just more or less at times. I am weak always, tired usually. I feel like a quarter of myself. It sucks. Its very manageable, but waking up everyday like this is just crushing. It starts to get to you. I almost wanted to whine and cry to myself a moment ago. I'm alone at the moment, my husband went to run some errands. I don't want to cry to him or anyone, I just thought crying would feel better than this, it would be a change at least. I'm just so sick of feeling this way and I've only been out of the hospital a week. Being left to my own mind is the worst thing for me, I notice I "seem" to feel better when I have company because talking distracts me. Watching tv/movies (especially happy/uplifting ones) does the same thing.

On a positive note I have to remember: I don't have to worry about my catheter on my chest when I sleep (they took it out), I don't have to cover it b4 I shower every time, no more sticky paper ripping my skin, I'm not throwing up, having fevers, or worst of all chills. No crazy headaches either. I'm back to my own bed, shower, & warm room. Oh yeah and no horrible throat/chest pain and dry mouth/thick spit problems. When my throat/chest was dry and probably full of holes that might have been the worst thing. I had to resort to drinking for nutrition and even that didn't feel very good going down. I had to take oxycodone to stop the pain, it felt like my ensures would not go down, like they would stay in my esophagus and put pressure in my chest. I couldn't sleep unless I took pain a med and ativan. I still take ativan now when the nausea gets real bad. I hear that people in my same situation often have it worse, they are still throwing up now and they have to get even stronger painkillers for the throat pain.

I have a tough exterior.
I'm not always okay...

I am just venting today, not feeling well still. Oh yeah and I guess I gotta remember NO MORE BEEPING or ghost bed. Glad I don't have to hear my machine beep (that was SO effing annoying) and I hated my hospital bed because it moved. It was like an air mattress in which certain parts would inflate at random times to keep your blood flowing/body moving if ur an old lady. All in all I couldn't have asked for a better hospital experience, but who wants to be in a hospital!? Glad I'm home, just... gaaaahdammit can this weakness end already!? ::sigh::

Recharging

The 1st "beautiful" fail
behind my arm after a
Neupogen shot.

Well it turns out the "beautiful" fail my husband left me the other day wasn't his fault. The next morning I received another bruise. I suspected it was due to low blood platelet counts, not to mention my gums had been bleeding more than usual the past few days when I would brush my teeth. On Thursday I went in to collect more stem cells, and got a CT/PET scan. The nurses also had me get a platelet transfusion because my numbers were too low. Later in the day we found out that I still hadn't produced any stem cells. I was told not to come back on Friday. Though disappointing, I was much more relieved for it to be over. Its been a hard week on my body, so I needed this break to mentally and physically recharge. On Monday I will find out what is the next plan of action.

This was the 2nd one. Its
easy to bruise with low
platelet counts.

I haven't been updating the past few days because I needed to just rest. Friday & Saturday I was also distracted with visiting guests. My plan today you ask? To vegetate watching Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, & The Dark Knight Rises all over again ;) I will also try to do some heavier workouts today since I'm feeling like my old self again.

A 'BEST NEWS EVER' Kind of Day

I noticed I woke up upbeat. I was humming, singing, being silly. It seems when I can do that -things are looking up. I'm not going to lie. I cried a lot this week. I'm very impatient lately. My other chemos did not leave as long of a discomfort as this last one has. Everyday I woke up hoping to feel better & although I did a little each day, it wasn't sufficient enough for me. I'm still not feeling better, but for the moment I can be appreciative its not worse.

The things that annoyed my life this week:
This catheter on/in my chest (uncomfortable to lay), its more nauseating than anything, the dry mouth/throat/gums (having to eat soft things), constipation, my stomach not being 100%, my husband giving me a shot to the back of my arms everyday, & having this headache-y feeling.
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NOW to the GREAT NEWS: While out and about this morning I received a call from my doctors office & they told me that the Bone Marrow biopsy from last week was CLEAR! No cancer! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I JUST WANT TO SING & DANCE, I FEEL SO GOOD! SO HAPPY! SO HOPEFUL! If this weeks chemo beat my ass down, well this news just boosted me back up ten fold! Its a GREAT day! ^_^

I'm a Happy Girl

I was alone this morning eating breakfast & I could tell it was a beautiful morning. The sun seemed to shine bright through the kitchen window & I could feel a refreshing breeze. I just sat there & thought to myself that the only thing missing for a perfect moment would be the smell of green, some grass, plants, some kind of nature. Not too much nature around me. As I sat there the thought came to my mind again: I love my life. I love life. And I've only meant it more each passing year as I mature & go through things that sometimes suck but often times make my life better. I'm a big believer in ones ability to guide themselves into the best possible path they see fit. Example: I have cancer. I'm not depressed. I'm happy, I'm really happy. I don't like cancer, but I'm not miserable because of it. I'm better than that.

*Update: Yesterday I had to do a CT scan with my PET scan. I wasn't aware of that. I had to drink like 2 & a half cups of that yucky fake orange-rasberry soda/juice for an hour. I fell asleep during the 25 minute scan. Also I weighed in at 118. I will post pictures later.