Home & Expectations

It was really hard to update in the hospital. Its BEEN hard to update. That willpower man. Even I couldn't bring myself to the computer many days. My Christmas was uneventful, I was feverish for days until I received steroids. I want to say 'I LOVE THOSE STEROIDS!', having been on prednisone in the past & this time some new steroid that made me feel better... BUT... it had its downfalls. This steroid, I forgot what it was called, made me very anxious, jittery to the point that I could not sleep unless I took Ativan before bed. The Ativan only lasted 3 hrs or so resulting in me tossing & turning in the middle of the night trying to go back to sleep on my own but failing & having to ask for more Ativan. It also made me feel like I was an emotional wreck. I was irritated easily, crying the next second, or freaking out. I only had to stay on it for 3 days. My New Years was also kind of uneventful in that I was overly exhausted and really only spent it with my husband and a little bottle of sparkling apple cider. I forced myself to stay up for the ball drop and then proceeded to sleep shortly after ignoring most calls and txt messages. I'm sorry about that, but through my worst days I ignored a lot of messages because I just wanted to sleep my miserable insides away.

I finally came home and I honestly didn't feel as great as I had hoped. That's what I get for having high hopes. Its just that, I'm still pretty weak. Although honestly I could be much worse, doctors say I was "ahead of the curve". I just don't like feeling so unlike myself. I nap a lot, I feel crappy a lot, and I just wait for this weakness to run its course. I can't do much about it but EAT and HYDRATE myself. I lack energy to walk much, let alone do much exercising right now. My counts are still on the low end, so until my body recuperates I'm going to be a sluggish mess. I'm not allowed to exercise hard but I can't exercise much anyway since there isn't any fuel in this tank right now. I plan to start a light exercise plan in the next week or so. I'm allowing myself to rest up for now...FOR NOW. I can't wait until I start feeling better and I can push my body again. Its going to be disgusting how I'll make my body change this year.

Now I know I said I would workout while I was in the hospital and YOU KNOW WHAT? I did my best. My first week in I exercised everyday practically, walking miles in the hallway and then some. During the middle of my stay (the peak worst) I slept the days away and honestly I can say I don't remember too much of it. The days felt long and torturous at the time, but now I just can't remember where the time went. Towards my last week I began to use my exercise bike more and walk around the room here and there. I wasn't allowed out of my room. I think I did great though. Try getting high dose chemo and doing anything at all! When I came home the first night I broke down and cried before bed because I was overwhelmed with so many emotions. I was free, in the bed I longed for, I still felt horrible, but I was still so grateful, and happy to lay next to my loving superhero husband. He never ONCE failed me, sure he aggravated me when he pushed me to do things on my own, to eat, to move, to drink, but he was my coach, he did everything right, with the right words, attitude, everything. Most of all I was overwhelmed in tears realizing I couldn't remember the worst of it. I think my brain put a protective block in my head because I try to recall the memories of me that second week and all I mostly remember are my visitors and the clock on my wall. I would stare at that thing waiting for the days to end for a new one to start and it felt like forever. 3 weeks later, here I am and why does it seem like it went by so fast now? I don't know. I'm glad the worst is over. I'm learning the tricks of what helps me feel better temporarily at least: food = energy, liquids = hydration, Ativan = when the nausea kicks in & food looks/smells too disgusting to eat. 

I will try to keep the positive attitude up though, just going through a minor rough patch expecting too much too soon. Like my stay in MSK, this too shall pass... quickly... Just need to be patient.